A few days ago, I saw a Whatsapp story from one of my contact that sparked my sentiment. Usually, if something bothers me, I can easily brush it off without thinking twice. It is just a Whatsapp story, I told myself. But it was different this time, and I knew I had to write it as an outlet for my sentiments.
In short, the person I am talking about is a new mom. Like any other new moms out there, I understand it is a never-ending learning curve for them, and when something gets either exciting or downfall, they will take personal views on it. Their individual experience with their babies became the sole argument when parenting topics arose, given many nuances. That’s totally okay, and I have no problem with that.
But what ignites my sentiment when she typed something like this…
I am really sorry to say this but I couldn’t affirm you as “the most skillful time management person” if you had no experience with your own children. Mine was declared as the most patient teacher back then but it is nothing compared to handle my own baby.
The context behind this sentence was she looked for other moms' role models juggling with kids and household chores but still had time to do any services for ummah. It bothers me because why did we have to compare a woman based on their capability of raising biological kids vs ideological kids? And no, I am not talking about the context of child-free here, so let’s put that topic aside. Is it make a woman less become a woman nor less a mother if they have no experience fostering their biological children? Do women need to bear and nurture their children before society finally recognizes their efforts?
It saddened me because those sentences came from a woman who gracefully awaited her descendants to come into her life and always shared a quote, “please stop comparing other moms,” when ironically, she compared other women who are not on the same battles as her. I realized that each woman has their own achievement in life, whatever roles they take in society. Some women strive to study as high as they can, and it becomes their accomplishment. Some women are content being stay-at-home moms, ensuring their husbands and kids feel most comfortable and fulfilled. It’s another degree of accomplishment. But at this point, I think we agree that not all women can be expected to spread their wings too thin. The expectation we put for women, who ironically came from women as well, is too big to bear; it became invisible.
We expect women to keep their houses Pinterest-esque clean and ask them to serve the ummah perfectly. We expect their children to be chubby and healthy but push the moms to take care of their appearance 24/7. We expect women to take care of their husbands but are salty when they can not contribute financially to household. The zillions of certain expectations placed over women’s shoulders became the main ingredients to feed them a huge amount of insecurity. Leading nerve-wracking thoughts every second, thinking they cannot hold anything in hand.
While in fact, she only has two hands full of miserable duties.
Islam came to preserve the nobility of women. This deen taught me how to maximize my potential in my daily roles. As a servant to Allah Al-Malik, I ought to obey Its rules and guidance. As a daughter to my parents, I have to do my responsibilities in birrul walidayin. As a wife to my husband, I place him as my qawwam and follow the responsibilities given to wives according to sharia. For friends and others, ensuring to be ‘adl and interact nicely with each other is a role I play in society. What calms me down is when I know Allah Ar-Rahman ensures that men and women get the same opportunity to do good deeds by their own capability.
I am not yet a mom. But being married for almost 5 years, passing over the period of endless questions about expected kids, and finally learning how to respond wisely, I never feel less like a woman or a mother even though no child exists out of my womb yet. I embrace my role as an auntie or perhaps a second mother to my sister-in-law’s daughter. I understand that there is no role I could exchange for mother as for Kirana to her mom, but I could be anything to support that motherly figure of my sister-in-law. As a teacher, I also feel like I am a mother-in-school for my students. I share my love equally with each student I teach. For years I became a preschool teacher, a daughter, a wife, and an in-law, never in any second thought of becoming less woman intruding my head just because I have no kids yet. I came to the point where I understood everyone faces different battles every day, and they might have the same battle any other year since life has never been the same twice.
Personally, I don’t think when you became a mother, time-management skills rose out of nowhere, nor did you suddenly become the master of task delegators. It certainly exists because of years of experience managing your time perfectly before becoming a parent. The skill is there because you know how to utilize it before a bigger responsibility like a child comes to life. Your kids are not (always) a parameter of your incapability because some kinds of stuff are not ours to handle.
I hope in the future, this world will be kinder towards women. In accordance with the words of Rasulullah SAW: “The most perfect believers are those who have a noble character, and the best of you are those who behave well towards women.” (HR Tirmidhi).
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