When A Compliment Anxious Me

Nyo
7 min readAug 31, 2024

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How I recognise impostor syndrome, and childhood trauma to re-learn how can I appreciate my achievement and take compliments in a healthy way

My postgraduate degree life was already done for its first semester. The experience of going back as a student humbled me. First of all, because it was a rough and constant battle between homesickness, academic adaptation, and striving for excellence.

When I received my final grade last semester, actually it was not bad! Some people even told me the grade was quite excellent, a reflection of hard work and God’s grace. One thing I love about being an international student at Monash University is how my lecturers were very attentive and personalised their feedback to each of my submitted assignments.

They surely give you credit, when it’s due.

They give you constructive criticism and valuable insights.

I am not sugar-coating anything and of course, coming from a background of someone who graduated from a local University in Indonesia, let alone not listed as one of the “Top 10 Best Uni in Indonesia”, such fair and egalitarian treatment from my lecturers being my culture shock in Australia.

Let me show you some of the feedback examples:

This one is feedback from my favourite course last semester

Other than detailed, personalised and appreciative feedback, I am also able to reach out to the lecturer if I need to clarify regarding my marked grade. They were honest, open, and accessible to let us know what things could be improved in the future, yet to make sure they gave us a fair judgement for our work.

Here’s an example of my lecturer’s response when I was reaching out to clarify my marked assignments.

Notice how my lecturer gave fair feedback and helped me to understand which point I was lacking and unaware of? It was precious!

However, no matter how great the compliments and feedback were, there was still part of me that just rejected the idea of me “doing a good job”.

Compliments anxious me, while at the same time, I keep overly criticising my academic results.

To the point, it became so toxic in my head that led me to think…

“Well, you were not enrolled in the first-rank university of Australia. Your education major is not ‘the most challenging’ one either. How come you still received a basic GPA?

I sent my last semester’s GPA transcript to one of my colleagues in the Early Childhood major. As a PhD student, she told me that my hard work was fruitful. I told her my anxiety and uneasiness about obtaining such a GPA and those toxic thoughts in my head. I asked her, is it what imposter syndrome feels like?

The response she told me, gave me an awakening:

Kayaknya memang kamu punya sindrom impostor Nyo aku liatnya. You are underestimating yourself. Kita kuliah di jurusan pendidikan yg nomer 1 lho di Aussie. Walaupun ranking Uni nya belum #1.

Anyway, dimanapun kita berada kalo kita bisa dapat ilmu banyak & bermanfaat ilmunya utk banyak orang itu yg dicari

The compliment of having a researcher’s eye and considering pursuing a PhD, the outstanding papers and projects I made, none of it gave me flowers and butterflies.

Instead, I second-guess each sincere compliment, which I deserved. I feel uncomfortable being praised and the saddest thing is, I dismiss my success, thinking that it was not meant to be mine.

I’ve started to recognise the unhealthy pattern of being avoidant of such compliments and how it takes a toll on my feelings of contentment and self-worth. I chose to share the issue with my husband and my dearest psychologist, reaching out for their help. One thing I mentioned to them was about my hypotheses: This might be related to my childhood trauma of getting used to unappreciative parents.

I still remember back in elementary, I always got second place when the end-of-semester report came. I only being the first on my 4th year in elementary. When I enrolled in a prestigious junior high school, my parents (especially my mom) rarely and seldom said anything to show their appreciation.

Even after I was in senior high school, enjoying my ambitious era as a student, competing in women's futsal sports, and winning design competitions which allowed me to be honoured by the Governor of Jakarta at that time. Finally, when I studied at Uni, work my ass off to pay for the tuition fee and was able to take part as the breadwinner in my family, the appreciation never came from them.

Well, after I delve into this issue, turns out those papers suggest that parenting styles that are unappreciative, overcontrolling, or lack emotional support can significantly influence the development of impostor syndrome in children. These parental behaviors create an environment where children may struggle with self-doubt and feel like they need to constantly prove their worth, ultimately leading to the impostor phenomenon in adulthood.

I remember how confused I was during my whole life. When I thought, I was done trying my best by bringing home a medal and certificate, none of it was able to have me hear the words, “I am proud of you, thank you for doing your best”.

The absence of adequate compliments, yet excessive criticism from my parents made me fall into the trap of imposter syndrome and people-pleasing behaviour. The longing ache and confusion I felt led me to do more, strive better, and do everything perfectly, just to eventually end up having myself disappointed in living in a pathway where no claps and cheers existed.

I chase perfectionism like it’s a drug addiction. I always thought that my parents expected me to be amazing without helping me to be the one. The race of perfection exhausts me, yet when I taste it, the joy lasts in the blink of an eye. Furthermore, every time I find fault in my achievements it becomes unpleasant with the overall outcome.

This strive for perfection also ever put my marriage over the edge when I expect my husband to do the work with my standard of perfection too. And let me tell you, it was ugly and I feel sorry for my husband. Not to mention that I experienced an inner fear when I made a mistake and all I could think was I was a fraud and was about to be called out.

All these manipulations were mentally exhausting for me.

I realise at one point in my life, I can’t change my parent's behaviour and expect them to fit with my needs. Some things were left unchanged, not because I did not put any effort into communicating that, it just I’m way too exhausted to pull them and ask them to better understand me.

My unappreciative parents were something out of my control.

Therefore, to have a sense of control in my life, I decided to re-learn how can I appreciate my achievements and healthily take compliments.

Of course, the first thing to do is let myself heal and forgive what kind of parenting I got from my parents. Without awareness of where this issue stemmed from, I might be unable to navigate the solutions. Without the willingness to forgive, I will always bear this wound with no understanding of how to heal it as a part of me. As I am being older, understanding the imperfection and how my parents raised me, certainly save a huge space of forgiveness, rather than constantly asking them to change and fit with my idealism of “what being a parents should be”.

Another thing I do to ease myself up is, to stop caring what my parents might think of me. My craving for their judgements would only lead me to deeper disappointment and bigger anxiety which curled up in my mind. Thus, I decided to just care for the thoughts of people close to me and know my process well to achieve something.

Then, I’m starting to slowly and gracefully take the credits when it's due, teaching myself there is always room for improvement. However, it is not a sin to hug our feelings and self-soothe our scars by giving them a gentle pat on the back.

“Well, by God’s grace, biidznillah… and your hard work, you did it”

…and this is my long-life lesson to practice.

Parents, don’t forget to compliment your children and give appreciation when they deserve it! :)

You might want to consider watching this video below:

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Instagram: @heynyoo
Podcast : https://anchor.fm/heynyoo / Terdistraksi Podcast

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Nyo
Nyo

Written by Nyo

Digital Educator | Building a better learning experiences for all

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